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Saturday, 20 September 2014

Show and Tell


Life has always only ever been a balancing act. We stay somewhere safely in the middle of living the life we truly desire and making It seem as if we are. When I was young people used to call me lucky all the time. My how I've grown to loathe that word. As if what's been awarded me in life was something placed in front of me and not the product of someone's hard work. I never said this. People would tell me I'm pretty, That I have a great smile. I never argued. My life has always ever been on the lighter side of this balancing beam. For all intents and purpose I've been told over and over again about how great I am and how wonderful my life is by everyone except the small voice in my head. People see what I show.

Had I given any insight to my mind all the times I've cried myself to sleep because of how much I hated school and all my A+ marks. Had anyone seen how I sat alone in the airport on my parental switch between mom and dad missing both at the same time wishing I could just stay home and go to Hayley's pool parties with my friends instead of starting off my summer with a strange flight attendant who'd rather be anywhere in the world but with me. If anyone saw how many times I allowed blood to run from my skin in the hopes emotions were something tangible I could release as easy as a swipe. If anyone saw the chains of regret that lay heavy on my ankles from all the missed opportunities the voice of anxiety has held me from. The people I've let go because that voice won't let me say hello. If anyone knew the feeling in my stomach when someone brings up 'daddy issues'.  When everyone would tell me how well I'm being treated by people who seemingly find respect for my body impossible. If people heard the thoughts that plague me every time someone wishes to bring up the future. How much I battle to see the beauty and life in the eyes of that person in the mirror. 

If my life were more tell than show, the luck you believe I so avidly swim in would drain from your thoughts and back into the pit of your stomach. The pit of a stomach where your own sorrows lie, where your own stories remain untold. Where your life remains a show and no tell.


7 comments:

  1. Your writing is beautiful and it's amazing how your words get to people. get to me. " People see what I show." this is something we don't think about too much, even though we should. I love your blog, but with this post you made me love you, you majestic creature! xX

    http://andreealaura16.blogspot.com

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  2. oh the feelings I am feeling right now. people tell me I am lucky all the time, that I have everything anyone could ever dream of and in some respects I see what they mean - i have a day job and a creative job, I have savings, i have a boyfriend, i have a smallish body, i have a roof over my head, my own business, yada yada...

    but that's all they see. they only see the good and whilst that good is indeed very good, the bad that is hidden from the facade of social media and my ability to smile is quite significant. i can't say I know how you feel, how could i, but I do know what its like to see the people around look at you like you're doing so well and then feeling crushed inside because you know how wrong they are.

    praying for you today my lovely. if you ever want to email me and chat, you know where i am <3 xxx

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  3. This is written so beautiful for such a tragic subject. I can't even begin to relate to the specific problems and hurdles you've had to deal with, but I know all about being called lucky and how that can make you feel when you know people don't see the bad things in your life or when you've worked your butt off to get to where you are.

    Like Samantha, I'm always here to talk.

    LikeCubed

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  4. I used to feel exactly how you feel, but I had to let that all go. I had to be more honest with others as I was so horribly with myself. It wasn't until I did that that I felt freer, better. The more honest I was with others and myself, the better I felt looking in the mirror. I wasn't looking at a lie any longer. I became happy.

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  5. Hi Leah! I'm Catalina Blue from Teenage Blogger Central! You registered on this blogger directory in January 2014. It's great that you're still blogging! Your blog is still registered in the directory! I'm here to ask you if you could take a link button from this page http://teenage-blogger-central.blogspot.ie/p/blog-page_27.html and add it to your blog. You have regular readers and we'd love it if you could spread the word about TBC so more bloggers can join.
    It was great seeing an active TBC member :D Looking forward to seeing your involvement with TBC.

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  6. Leah. Your words capture life so perfectly, I can feel your pain through the screen. I hate it when people say I'm lucky, but I guess I need to be more aware of not saying it myself. As you say, everything comes from someone's hard work.
    You are so brave Leah, firstly to post this, and secondly for what you have been through in your life. And I don't want that to sound condescending at all, although that's how calling someone brave often comes across, so please just remove all of that associations that word has and just take it to mean that although I have only seen what you have chosen to show (and to tell) on this blog, I admire you and your strength, and your wisdom, and your ability to put into words what many can't.
    theearththroughalens

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  7. I know this isn't as thoughtful of a comment as the others, but really I'm in awe. Your writing here, like your other posts, is captivating. But with every single one of these words, I especially deemed relatable. So much raw, heartfelt emotion and articulation in your writing really does make a great read - not only that, but it's oath.
    You move me, Leah. x

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