Monday, 30 June 2014

Having a crush...

Photo: Ashley

I wouldn't wish the feeling of having a crush on someone else to my worst enemy. There is nothing enjoyable about the constant nag of fire and angst in your soul keeping you up at night, making your blood pulse through your veins in a way you both adore and loathe.

It's an awful mix of emotion, others can give. A cocktail with enough potency to send you to the moon as fast as it subdues you in the blackness of the bottom of the ocean. Lately, all this feeling and existing in my everlasting state of having crushes has got me thinking about human nature and leagues, attraction and all that stuff that belongs in some sort of psychology or philosophy class.
Does "being in a league" exist? I believe it does, but of course what you deem your league is as subjective as what you deem attractive and unattractive. Which would mean, there is no universal league, just ones we create for ourselves.

The thought we put in our heads that we aren't good enough for another person.

I'm slowly learning that life comes with a lot of acceptance. Accepting that there are things that will happen to you, that regardless of how much control you have over their presence in your life, you've got to accept. I've been feeling a sense of anxiety, coupled with relief coming to terms with this. Not only in the sense of accepting that crushes are the worst, and that I've given myself a league but that how things work out between me and another person in my life is not something I can leave up to myself to pan out. As someone very happy with having control of her own life, it's quite unsettling while painstakingly liberating to accept there are things about my life, such as other people's feelings about me, that I can't control.

I cannot control if a person's personality works with mine, if I'm in their made up league or if all my many efforts for them will ever be enough. Things will work out as their meant to, and whether that means having a one bedroom in Manhattan with a dog, and a dream job or being married and mothering 12 children...well I guess I'm just as much here to watch that pan out as anyone else.

I cannot guarantee, nor can anyone else, that one day I'll be sat in a coffee shop and some brown eyed, tan skinned hunk, who loves to cook and clean and has vast amounts of experience in child care, and loves dogs will sweep me off my feet, and make my life the fairytale all girls are supposed to pray for every night. I also cannot guarantee I won't live a perfectly productive life on my own. But, I think the true bliss that can accompany undiluted happiness is being okay with either situation or anything that can come between. Being okay with not knowing, as much as you are with leading an amazing life with or without someone else.

Basically, I've found a way to romanticize and gather up some kind of epiphany from having another crush on another stupid boy. Cut me some slack, I'm a writer and a teenager at the same damn time. Things get shifty.



  1. it happens to us adults my late 20s and still crushing on unavailable guys!

    when will I learn *sigh* lol

  2. I think crushing on someone is one of the wonderful feeling in life but thats just me. I love how you brought it to a whole new level and made me see things from a new perspective. This is a beautifully written piece. :)


  3. I think having a crush is great if he has crush on you back. If not, it is one of the most annoying feelings ever where you spend a pointless amount of time thinking about that other person when no matter what you do or say or whatever, they can never and will never see you in that way. Which is harsh to say I guess but I've had to tell myself that numerous times haha. And maybe things won't be a fairy tale. But I guess that's what we have to accept... Yeah boys are stupid haha!
    Saadiya x

  4. I love all of your posts! Your writing is just so pleasant to read and so relatable (especially this post, being a hormonal teenager myself):D

  5. Having a crush is both the most terrible and the awesomest feeling in the world. :D
    P.S. Love your blog!

  6. Having a crush can be awesome but sometimes not so awesome.
    Great post,love!
    Would you mind checking out my blog,and following if you like it?
    xoxo Antonella!

  7. This post couldn't have come at a better time. I've been driving myself insane lately over a crush! I agree they are by far the best and worst thing ever!

  8. I think having crush is a mixture of emotions so yeah they can be the best yet the worst thing ever too :) would you like to follow each other via gfc, facebook, and bloglovin? or instagram too? let me know.

    keep in touch!



  9. i know that some say that a crush is wonderful but terrible at the same time, but i only see it as horrible. i feel like i have no control at all over my emotions, something that i really hate. i've never been in a relationship (at 17 this is something i'm totally okay with) and i have so many places i want to go and things i want to do, tying my thoughts down to a boy just makes me downright scared and mad. terrified and furious. no matter how hard i try, my thoughts catapult back and forth and my dreams are uncontrolable.
    i feel your pain.

  10. This is actually really relevant to my life at the moment haha. Like one of my best friends and I were talking about similar things and how usually when you most want a partner is when you should least have one because we need to learn who we are first and love ourselves :) super corny!

    Your blogs are always so thoughtful, I think I'm just going to go with the flow more and accept all the things I can't control :)