Wednesday, 9 April 2014

To Understand Love.

To understand love is to look blankly into a pitch black tunnel and convince me you know the way through it. I can't say I understand very much about what love is, and by that I mean I legitimately have no idea. In the most heartfelt, soul baring explanation of this for a large portion of my existence I didn't know love was a thing that exists that people feel and experience.
I grew up believing that a single parent household, and seeing your dad once or a few time every couple of years was a normal occurrence. There was nothing in my life to tell me otherwise. After eighteen years of life I can legitimately say I've never witnessed a successful marriage.

At this point in my life love seems like somewhat of a ghost to me. I hear about other people's experiences, and have a vague belief in it's existence but I can't say that I've encountered it myself.
Because of this, I looked to so many other places to reaffirm this jaded belief that somewhere out there this mythical story about happy marriages exist, and I found some.

I found people all over the world: online on TV and every corner of the globe that could attest to these fairytales of a happy ever after being completely true, but they didn't hit home. If anything they fuelled the belief that it was this ghost-encounter like experience, that only a few lucky people witness. I've been trying to convince myself all my life that love and marriage is something I so desperately want, which I still believe it is, but right now it's something I simply need to understand. I've got nothing.

I've found people online who became my definition of love. What else did I have? It's a situation of who do you look to when you've got no-one to look to.
If CNN reports to a group of people living in a secluded part of the world that aliens exist, there is a good chance they will believe it. With no-one else to look too for news, they're going to trust aliens are a thing. I believed that the short videos you can see of someone else's existence on the internet can tell the full story, and it doesn't. I more than anyone know that we don't know the people we look up to, especially if they're famous but again fell victim to the belief that I did and finally thought I'd understood love...based on what I'd seen online.

That, like most other sources of information on the internet, failed my expectation leaving me again in a place where I don't know what love is.
I have friends who's parents have stayed married, I've had friends who watch their parents' loveless marriage exists, friends who've heard their parents having sex at night, friends who've lost their fathers twice, and friends much like myself, who've had their fathers leave with not much knowledge of the relationship our mother may or may not have had with the man. My father, whom I love dearly and do have a relationship left when I was six months old. I've only ever known the life of flying between parent's houses for extended amounts of time and maintaing the bond by haphazard, every few months, phone calls. Most of my closest female friends have had similar experiences. A friend of mine who I've known for in excess of ten years now and I were joking the other day that after ten plus years of friendship we've never even seen each other's fathers in person.

That short snippet aside though, a definition of love comes largely from a witness of it. For so many years of my life, I genuinely believed happily ever afters were only for the fairytales, and even reflecting on this now I can't 100% say that it isn't, because I'm still yet to find testament to this real life love that's apparently so reachable. I do not believe people should stick around after the love has died, or hell even pretend the love was ever there when it never was. I don't believe my parents, or any of my friend's parents or any of the celebrity couples I found so much solace in made the wrong decisions separating. In the long run, it was probably what was best.

For now, I'll stop looking. I'll stop trying to understand something that so many people can't seem to either. I don't know if I'll ever be able to recognize it if it comes my way, or trust that it's not a fleeting emotion that yanks itself out of your grips in the middle of the night. I don't know if I may ever even give it the chance to get that close, but for now...the search is going to remain on halt.

Maybe it's just going to be a thing I'll be the first to experience and share a story about. Maybe a definition doesn't exist, and looking for it in witness is idiotic. It's a search with no foreseeable answer or end, but rather an endless journey that I'm going to have to find my footing in alone.


  1. I've never seen any real successful marriages as well and people close to me tell me all the time not to get married. And sometimes you think you are in love and then see how others explain what love is and then you start to second guess your idea of love.

  2. Love your honesty, and I for one would rather be alone than be miserable. Haha. I have experienced it, but true love is very rare and you will know it when you feel it. There is really no perfect explanation for it, although many have been written. What I have learned from being in love and single as well, is that you have to be open to the idea of it. You have to trust your gut feelings, and follow them. If someone is not good for you, trust that and run the other way. The right person will love you for who you are. :)) Thanks for visiting and following my blog.

    Much Love,

  3. Just followed you via bloglovin :))

  4. I really appreciate the honesty in your post! I saw you hopped by my blog and so I wanted to come by and say hello! Don't know if you noticed or not, but you are a no-reply blogger (I was too for a long time until someone pointed it out to me), I know there are a few blogs out there who have tutorials on how to fix that :). You got a new follower :)

  5. I love your writing; its honesty and its depth. (I may or may not have read quite a few of your posts today) :)
    the Earth through a Lens

  6. Your writing is amazing!!! :))

  7. I'm a hopeless romantic and quite old-fashioned in my way of thinking when it comes to love and relationships. In today's generation I just don't feel that there are many individuals who are 'on the level' and willing to commit 100%. I feel that a lot of people have a tainted idea on how you should treat the person that you supposedly love. It's a shame :( X

  8. I'm so glad I read this post, you're a great writer.

  9. You are an amazing writer! I always love visiting your blog, you always have good texts and posts! :)

  10. I think the key to knowing what love is knowing that it is not just a feeling, but a commitment.

  11. You're such an amazing writer! I honestly can't help you with this whole love thing. I too have no idea what it is or what it feels like--I've never even seen it (for REAL) either. Let me know if you uncover some of this mystery :)

  12. Great blog!
    I love this design!
    I'm Your follower now!

  13. I think the best example of love can be found in the relationship between a child and their guardian. I believe love does exist, but it just takes time to develop, and then be expressed and sustained between mutual individuals. But these are just the thoughts of an optimist, for now, I have the love of my parents, maybe another source of love will find its way into my life in the future. Bleh. Love, if you think about it too much you'll go crazy. :/
    Olive Needs Popeye

  14. I love your honesty and I feel compelled to reply. I'm also from a single parent home, unfortunately my father didnt leave when I was young - he left when I was in my teens after years of being openly unfaithful to my mother - you can imagine the effect it's had on me and my siblings, I don't think any of us want to get married!

    You would also think that it would have made me a big sceptic about the existance of love, but I do believe it's out there - I just don't believe it's in the glossy, fairytale form that the media would have us believe - not all the time anyway! I agree with Tania that there's no real explanation or description of love, I'd say the feeling varies from person to person, but in my experience love is not all stars and rainbows - it's real, it's hard work, it's accepting someones flaws and letting someone see yours, then you're also rewarded with a feeling of security, companionship, fun, laughter and the occasional lightning bolt jolt of happiness.

    I know I love my partner, but I don't believe in marriage, and I don't think not getting married makes our love any less valid. I think your right to quit the search for now because it will happen when it happens and you won't be expecting it!

  15. You write so beautifully - I always find myself lost in your words.
    Check out all of the Coachella fashion at ❤
    Kisses XOXO

  16. It's funny, I come from a family where I am loved, maybe more loved than I deserve to be. My dad died when I was seven and my mum never met anyone else or at the very least anyone I ever knew about. All I knew was love and yet it took me years to find out what love outside of a familial relationship was. It's hard to define, it's the sort of thing that you don't really think about too much or realise until it creeps up on you on a Wednesday evening when you watch him washing up, or you feel it in a public hand on the small of your back. It isn't happy ever after, it's knowing that things will probably all end badly but that there's a tiny chance you'll be the lucky ones you see on CNN.