Thursday, 14 November 2013
I just need a hug, to vent & a nap...
I sit here now staring at a blank white screen and a post that I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want with. Liberating and scary. I guess we'll see how this little spur of the moment turns out.
This blogging shtick gets to me sometimes, and not in a bad way. I enjoy it a great deal and really wish I could just it all day every single day & dedicate all my time to it. Sometimes I get nervous about what to post, and what not to as I've become well aware about what gets the most attention and what doesn't. And I always want to make sure my posts bring something cool & original to the table & don't bore people. But today I just want to write. In my voice. That's what I do, right? I vent.
The wonderful Charly Cox, who I've once interviewed on this blog made this post yesterday, and it inspired me. Though this post won't be the same subject matter her openness & honesty is what's inspiring mine.
Sometimes I just want to take it back. Take back the pretty pictures. Take back the inspirational quotes & bring it to where it all started. When I just wrote and prayed that someone read. Before I came to this stage in my life, this stage in school, having to deal with and think about so much. Before a lot of things just changed. Before my thoughts became all-consuming.
Recently, I've just been feeling tired. I can't explain why. Tired of doing what I feel I have to do, rather than what I want to do. Tired of feeling like I'm being held back from things I want to do because of my age. Tired because I procrastinate so much I stay up way too late & wake up early. Tired of feeling like I'm not working to my full potential because I'm not doing what I love anymore. Tired of being forced to do things, and told to do things. Tired of getting to watch other people live out their dreams, while I wallow in mine and let them replay in my brian like an old worn record. Just, tired.
And quite frankly, I'm tired of thinking about all these things.
I just want to do, see and be. I want to get out and experience. It's very easy in life when getting wrapped up in work, to forget about play. To forget that you need something to look forward to. Some part of yourself to still hold on to, and believe in. I want to believe in myself again, and believe in what I can do. Believe I am strong enough and brave enough. Believe I'm worth all (& more than I want). I guess I just need to step back and look at the world as something else. Something where dreams live and flourish. Somewhere that allows people like me, to not feel like people like me. I want to see the world as the beautiful, hopeful, magical place I once believe so whole heartedly it was.
I guess I went off a bit there. Not really sure what I'm talking about, but I'm glad I spoke about it.
x Leah Symonne x